Today I went on an adventure. I went to Beebe and stopped by the Knight's grocery store after I got gas in my car. I stood there in the cards for 15 minutes staring at sympathy cards. My mom wanted me to get a card for my grandmother. But honestly, the whole sympathy card thing seems stupid to me. What comfort could a card possibly bring when you have lost somebody you love? I read every single sympathy card in that store. I read the religious ones then decided maybe I shouldn't get one of those, I don't know if Papa is in heaven..and if I give a card saying he is it might just upset Nana if she knows differently. So I ruled out all of those with a very depressed sigh. I don't like thinking about the fact he might not be in heaven. Or even the fact that I don't know where he is. I eventually narrowed it down to two cards. And decided on a fairly good one I guess. But again I can't help but wonder why warmth and comfort it will really bring. I know if it were me and my husband died I wouldn't want a fucking card telling me "I'm sorry your husband is dead here is a card to make you feel better." It just seems insulting to me. Like yeah you just lost the most important person in your life but maybe a 99 cent piece of paper with a crappy poem on it will make you feel better.
Then I realized I would be going to Conway today to pick up Alan. And in doing so I would pass by Todd, my nephew's grave. The more I sat there starring at sympathy cards the more I realized I can't just pass by his grave without stopping. But also after looking at all those stupid cards I realized I can't stop by without getting him something. His birthday is a week away. But a sympathy card is not MY way of expressing my feelings. So I skipped all of that and all of the little stuffed animals in that area as well and went straight to the toys. Its a small grocery store so you can't expect much. But there it was a little red mustang hot wheels. I knew the moment I saw it was the best thing for Todd in that store. So I bought my sympathy card and hot wheels car, and walked out of the store holding a bag that held two things for two people I really loved..that I won't ever get to see again.
The whole way to Conway I was in a daze. I thought about every memory I had with Papa. The truth is I don't have any bad ones. He was a nice guy to me. And that's how I will remember him. The nice guy that smelled like pepperment and tabbacoo that would always tell me to smile.
I eventually made it to Todd's grave and sat there and talked to him for a while. Its weird how before I lost Todd I always saw movies of people talking to gravestones. And I always wondered how they didn't feel completely stupid talking to the ground. And that's exactly what I did for a good 15 to 20 minutes today. But I didn't feel stupid and I didn't consider it talking to the ground. I know Todd heard me. And when I put down the little red car and told him I got it for him and that his brothers love cars too, it rolled across his gravestone. And even though I know it was "just the wind" I can't help but think it was really Todd saying "I love you too" and playing with it for a minute. I thought I was going to cry before I walked up there to his tiny spot on baby island. But instead I was happy. I was happy I got to see him. And it was really pretty outside. And the sun was shining down on him. I know these are all signs that God is taking care of him.
Alan and I deciding to get together today was completely random. We had a "date" though there was no romance involved just two friends. But we called it a date. And I was the boy in the date. I dressed in some boyish clothes (even my spiderman boy undies!) and I picked up Alan. And paid for his ticket. And held the door open for him. I was a true gentleman. Well for the most part. I enjoyed being the douchebag boy every once in a while too. Like making the decisions without asking his opinion. And everytime he was suggest something I didn't want to do I'd be like "I'm the guy here!" Or "I'm a guy and I don't do that." It was fun.
I was pretty proud of myself too. Not only was I able to drive to Conway and find his house all by myself.. But I was able to actually hold hands with Alan and kiss his cheek goodbye, without freaking out! I know its pathetic that I freak out so bad with physical contact and well pretty much any social interaction. But I baby stepped my way to holding his hand during the movie. Yeah it was great. I did the whole yawn while throwing my arm over him that guys always do. And when I didn't freak out I was like SCORE! Maybe I can hold his hand? So I grabbed his hand. Then I slowly reached in to give him a kiss on the cheek when I was leaving. I'm not gonna lie I wasn't comfortable by any means. And I was really nervous and anxious and yeah.. But I wasn't freaking out like I normally would! That's progress! And yes I know I'm pathetic.
Picture 1 - A duct tape rose Alan made me today.
Picture 2 - Todd and I.
Picture 3 - Todd's grave with the sun shining on it.
Picture 4 - My "dressed up" boy outfit.
Quotes of the day:
Me: /opens car door for Alan "Ma'lady."
Alan: "Thank you sir!"
Alan: "You smell like Edward Cullen."
Me: "Must be my sunburn and baby powder."
Me: "I'm beginning to think you don't know what Edward Cullen actually wears at all."
Alan: "You're right I've been looking at Robert Pattinson pictures too much."
Me: "Look..Robert Pattinson is badass and Edward Cullen is old fashioned and traditional. There is a huge difference there!"
Alan: "My hands still smells like leaves."
Me: "Except that lotion doesn't actually smell like leaves at all."
Alan: "Fuck it I'm putting in Maroon 5."
Me: "Seriously?"
Alan: "Yes, I have always wanted this CD."
Me: "Yeah, back when Maroon 5 wasn't terrible."
Me: "We'll have to save the face touching for when I'm dressed like Bella and you're dressed like Edward."
Alan: "Ah..you made me turn around and laugh at a black guy."
Alan: /looks at me during the saddest part of the movie "Why don't guys ever cry at movies?"
Me: /growls "Real men don't cry!"
Alan: "This is my friend Toby she made me fall in love with a fictional character once."
Me: "Long story.."
Me: "Nice used Q-Tip.."
Alan: "That's..not mine but thanks."
Question of the day:
What's the coolest thing you can make with duct tape?
Then I realized I would be going to Conway today to pick up Alan. And in doing so I would pass by Todd, my nephew's grave. The more I sat there starring at sympathy cards the more I realized I can't just pass by his grave without stopping. But also after looking at all those stupid cards I realized I can't stop by without getting him something. His birthday is a week away. But a sympathy card is not MY way of expressing my feelings. So I skipped all of that and all of the little stuffed animals in that area as well and went straight to the toys. Its a small grocery store so you can't expect much. But there it was a little red mustang hot wheels. I knew the moment I saw it was the best thing for Todd in that store. So I bought my sympathy card and hot wheels car, and walked out of the store holding a bag that held two things for two people I really loved..that I won't ever get to see again.
The whole way to Conway I was in a daze. I thought about every memory I had with Papa. The truth is I don't have any bad ones. He was a nice guy to me. And that's how I will remember him. The nice guy that smelled like pepperment and tabbacoo that would always tell me to smile.
I eventually made it to Todd's grave and sat there and talked to him for a while. Its weird how before I lost Todd I always saw movies of people talking to gravestones. And I always wondered how they didn't feel completely stupid talking to the ground. And that's exactly what I did for a good 15 to 20 minutes today. But I didn't feel stupid and I didn't consider it talking to the ground. I know Todd heard me. And when I put down the little red car and told him I got it for him and that his brothers love cars too, it rolled across his gravestone. And even though I know it was "just the wind" I can't help but think it was really Todd saying "I love you too" and playing with it for a minute. I thought I was going to cry before I walked up there to his tiny spot on baby island. But instead I was happy. I was happy I got to see him. And it was really pretty outside. And the sun was shining down on him. I know these are all signs that God is taking care of him.
Alan and I deciding to get together today was completely random. We had a "date" though there was no romance involved just two friends. But we called it a date. And I was the boy in the date. I dressed in some boyish clothes (even my spiderman boy undies!) and I picked up Alan. And paid for his ticket. And held the door open for him. I was a true gentleman. Well for the most part. I enjoyed being the douchebag boy every once in a while too. Like making the decisions without asking his opinion. And everytime he was suggest something I didn't want to do I'd be like "I'm the guy here!" Or "I'm a guy and I don't do that." It was fun.
I was pretty proud of myself too. Not only was I able to drive to Conway and find his house all by myself.. But I was able to actually hold hands with Alan and kiss his cheek goodbye, without freaking out! I know its pathetic that I freak out so bad with physical contact and well pretty much any social interaction. But I baby stepped my way to holding his hand during the movie. Yeah it was great. I did the whole yawn while throwing my arm over him that guys always do. And when I didn't freak out I was like SCORE! Maybe I can hold his hand? So I grabbed his hand. Then I slowly reached in to give him a kiss on the cheek when I was leaving. I'm not gonna lie I wasn't comfortable by any means. And I was really nervous and anxious and yeah.. But I wasn't freaking out like I normally would! That's progress! And yes I know I'm pathetic.
Picture 1 - A duct tape rose Alan made me today.
Picture 2 - Todd and I.
Picture 3 - Todd's grave with the sun shining on it.
Picture 4 - My "dressed up" boy outfit.
Quotes of the day:
Me: /opens car door for Alan "Ma'lady."
Alan: "Thank you sir!"
Alan: "You smell like Edward Cullen."
Me: "Must be my sunburn and baby powder."
Me: "I'm beginning to think you don't know what Edward Cullen actually wears at all."
Alan: "You're right I've been looking at Robert Pattinson pictures too much."
Me: "Look..Robert Pattinson is badass and Edward Cullen is old fashioned and traditional. There is a huge difference there!"
Alan: "My hands still smells like leaves."
Me: "Except that lotion doesn't actually smell like leaves at all."
Alan: "Fuck it I'm putting in Maroon 5."
Me: "Seriously?"
Alan: "Yes, I have always wanted this CD."
Me: "Yeah, back when Maroon 5 wasn't terrible."
Me: "We'll have to save the face touching for when I'm dressed like Bella and you're dressed like Edward."
Alan: "Ah..you made me turn around and laugh at a black guy."
Alan: /looks at me during the saddest part of the movie "Why don't guys ever cry at movies?"
Me: /growls "Real men don't cry!"
Alan: "This is my friend Toby she made me fall in love with a fictional character once."
Me: "Long story.."
Me: "Nice used Q-Tip.."
Alan: "That's..not mine but thanks."
Question of the day:
What's the coolest thing you can make with duct tape?
coolest thing made from duct tape... well, if my sock pulling tool doesn't count, then i would have to say a bra.
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