Mom filed for divorce today. I'm still shocked and confused. I'm tired of life's little surprises lately. Its too much to handle. My plate is full, God. Full! I don't have room for all the crap you're throwing at me! Don't you get I can't handle change well? Even little changes! Like when somebody comes in and moves something in my room. Let alone changes like life and death! Papa dying, Lori getting pregnant, now a divorce and a move to Beebe! Some of these changes aren't even bad I mean I have wanted Mom and Hank to get a divorce since I was little. I have expected this for half my life. I wasn't shocked about that or even sad about that. But I do think this could be a very bad choice. How are we going to afford to live? I will probably have to get my G.E.D and a job and Hank could really screw us over if he isn't happy about this idea. Which he won't be. He could leave Mom with nothing. My car is under Hank's name. He could easily keep EVERYTHING and leave us with nothing and no money. I feel like she hasn't thought this through at all. Its like she just came back from Arizona and decided she would finally go through with it without preparing for it!
Then Lori texted me and told me I'd probably have to get a job to support Mom and I. Holy shit! I hadn't even thought of that. God, I won't even be able to get my G.E.D. and go to college. I will be forced to work at some dead end fast food place to support my Mom and I because she made a hasty decision to get a divorce 22 years too late! What the hell!! What are you doing to me God? I haven't even been able to handle the stress and change of Papa's death and Lori being pregnant. And now you throw this at me that will literally cause an avalanche of changes for not only me but my whole family. And changes that probably won't be good!
I am so overwhelmed, stressed, confused, angry and scared. I hate not knowing what will happen to my life. I hate wondering what other changes are coming my way. And I especially hate not knowing if they will be good. And I hate knowing I can't handle anymore. And knowing I'll fucking have to. I want to just have a nervous breakdown. I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't even do that I'm experiencing so many emotions. The only ones I am able to focus on right now are shock and confusion. And anger. Angery at her for thinking now is a good time. Angry for not just doing this when I was little. Angry that this will probably just make things worse. Angry that it could have made things better when I was little but not now. Angry that people get mad at me for calling him Hank instead of Dad. When they should realize THIS IS EXACTLY WHY. People think you are a "Dad" the moment your wife gives birth. But they are wrong. People might think you're a husband the moment your wife says "I do" but they are wrong there too. You're a husband and a dad the moment you act like one. Not once in my whole life has Hank acted like a Dad to me. You fucking earn that title, its not just given to you because you had sex and one of your sperm got lucky.
Sigh.. I went shopping with Angela and Austin today. We went for peacoats and ended up coming back with nothing. I was glad for the distraction at least. It seems like I will need alot of that lately. My mind is going crazy right now. So many thoughts. So many worries. I don't want to be living this life I am living right now. I wish I could go back in time with life was less stressful. Oh right.. its always been.
I need to stop thinking about things and having dreams about things. Because I have been thinking lately how great it would be to live in Beebe. Careful what you wish for I guess.
Perhaps I am being a bit too negative. One day I'll look back at this picture and think one of two things. 1) That's the day my life changed for the better. Or 2) That's the day my life fucking fell apart. It could go a positive way or a negative way. Guess we'll see.
Quotes of the day:
Mom: "I filed for divorce today."
Me: "That's..interesting."
Me: "My mom randomly filed for divorce today."
Joseph: "What???"
Me: "My thoughts exactly."
Me: "If anybody ever tries to tell me 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' ever again..I will kick them in the throat."
Question of the day:
Why is it that September, October and Novemeber ALWAYS seem like the most dramatic, life changing, depressing months of the year? (Shit ALWAYS happens then..)
Then Lori texted me and told me I'd probably have to get a job to support Mom and I. Holy shit! I hadn't even thought of that. God, I won't even be able to get my G.E.D. and go to college. I will be forced to work at some dead end fast food place to support my Mom and I because she made a hasty decision to get a divorce 22 years too late! What the hell!! What are you doing to me God? I haven't even been able to handle the stress and change of Papa's death and Lori being pregnant. And now you throw this at me that will literally cause an avalanche of changes for not only me but my whole family. And changes that probably won't be good!
I am so overwhelmed, stressed, confused, angry and scared. I hate not knowing what will happen to my life. I hate wondering what other changes are coming my way. And I especially hate not knowing if they will be good. And I hate knowing I can't handle anymore. And knowing I'll fucking have to. I want to just have a nervous breakdown. I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't even do that I'm experiencing so many emotions. The only ones I am able to focus on right now are shock and confusion. And anger. Angery at her for thinking now is a good time. Angry for not just doing this when I was little. Angry that this will probably just make things worse. Angry that it could have made things better when I was little but not now. Angry that people get mad at me for calling him Hank instead of Dad. When they should realize THIS IS EXACTLY WHY. People think you are a "Dad" the moment your wife gives birth. But they are wrong. People might think you're a husband the moment your wife says "I do" but they are wrong there too. You're a husband and a dad the moment you act like one. Not once in my whole life has Hank acted like a Dad to me. You fucking earn that title, its not just given to you because you had sex and one of your sperm got lucky.
Sigh.. I went shopping with Angela and Austin today. We went for peacoats and ended up coming back with nothing. I was glad for the distraction at least. It seems like I will need alot of that lately. My mind is going crazy right now. So many thoughts. So many worries. I don't want to be living this life I am living right now. I wish I could go back in time with life was less stressful. Oh right.. its always been.
I need to stop thinking about things and having dreams about things. Because I have been thinking lately how great it would be to live in Beebe. Careful what you wish for I guess.
Perhaps I am being a bit too negative. One day I'll look back at this picture and think one of two things. 1) That's the day my life changed for the better. Or 2) That's the day my life fucking fell apart. It could go a positive way or a negative way. Guess we'll see.
Quotes of the day:
Mom: "I filed for divorce today."
Me: "That's..interesting."
Me: "My mom randomly filed for divorce today."
Joseph: "What???"
Me: "My thoughts exactly."
Me: "If anybody ever tries to tell me 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' ever again..I will kick them in the throat."
Question of the day:
Why is it that September, October and Novemeber ALWAYS seem like the most dramatic, life changing, depressing months of the year? (Shit ALWAYS happens then..)
all i can say this time around is... yeah, i agree with you on the sept/oct/nov crap. it's the worst....
ReplyDeleteya...but...you don't have to get a job to support mom, you should get a job to support you. I don't think getting your GED and a job is a bad thing. God can and will make something good come from this.
ReplyDelete