Today sucked. Sucked so bad. My thoughts are fucking racing again. The only good thing about that damn trip was that I actually didn't fucking think the whole time. Everytime I saw Papa all sick and in pain anyway. Its like my brain went dead when I saw him like that. I didn't even cry. I know Amy was near tears plenty of times. I know I felt really sad. But I never got close to crying around him. I'm not normal. Now that I'm home I can't stop thinking of anything and everything. I'm tired all the time, I can't get back into a fucking schedule of some kind. I'm becoming depressed. I'm bored out of my mind. And I'm feeling trapped in my own home.
Sigh, I had an arguement with Patty today. I've known him since I was 15 years old. You would think after that many years of knowing him and growing closer and closer to him, he would be able to open up to me. But all I get is the same Patty everybody else gets. Well I guess that's not fair to say, he does things for me he wouldn't do or hasn't done for others. But I can't help but be upset when he can't even express his feelings for me. I know what he is feeling most of the time, so why can't he just say it? He is the one that told me it was okay to be open with him. So is it really wrong of me to expect the same in return? And he acts like I want to change him into something that better fits me or something. Its nothing like that. I just want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he is feeling. Oh God, I sound like such a fucking girl right now. Sigh. I guess I either have to just put up with him always being closed off and just guessing what he is thinking. Or stop talking to him all together. Both are shitty options to me. Seems like we are growing apart too. Or maybe its just me being busy all summer. I don't even fucking know anymore, Jesus Christ.
I went outside today and played with Rogue. I missed him and Karebear. I played with Karebear inside too. But she smells like shampoo from being at that kenel for 12 days. I kept sneezing around her. Stupid allergies, that's one thing I didn't miss while in Phoenix. I found a bunny outside today too. I took a picture before Rogue chased it away. Its ears aren't anything like the ones in Phoenix. And I for sure can't get as close to these bunnies as I can the Jack Rabbits in Phoenix.
Why do I miss Phoenix so much when I was mostly miserable there? I think it must just be the bordem. At least in Phoenix I was constantly doing something or constantly dealing or trying not to deal with something. Here its just nothing..nothing but my thoughts. My thoughts and my bordem. Ugh.. I'm going to go sleep. I'm always so tired. I might as well try and sleep early.
Sigh, I had an arguement with Patty today. I've known him since I was 15 years old. You would think after that many years of knowing him and growing closer and closer to him, he would be able to open up to me. But all I get is the same Patty everybody else gets. Well I guess that's not fair to say, he does things for me he wouldn't do or hasn't done for others. But I can't help but be upset when he can't even express his feelings for me. I know what he is feeling most of the time, so why can't he just say it? He is the one that told me it was okay to be open with him. So is it really wrong of me to expect the same in return? And he acts like I want to change him into something that better fits me or something. Its nothing like that. I just want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he is feeling. Oh God, I sound like such a fucking girl right now. Sigh. I guess I either have to just put up with him always being closed off and just guessing what he is thinking. Or stop talking to him all together. Both are shitty options to me. Seems like we are growing apart too. Or maybe its just me being busy all summer. I don't even fucking know anymore, Jesus Christ.
I went outside today and played with Rogue. I missed him and Karebear. I played with Karebear inside too. But she smells like shampoo from being at that kenel for 12 days. I kept sneezing around her. Stupid allergies, that's one thing I didn't miss while in Phoenix. I found a bunny outside today too. I took a picture before Rogue chased it away. Its ears aren't anything like the ones in Phoenix. And I for sure can't get as close to these bunnies as I can the Jack Rabbits in Phoenix.
Why do I miss Phoenix so much when I was mostly miserable there? I think it must just be the bordem. At least in Phoenix I was constantly doing something or constantly dealing or trying not to deal with something. Here its just nothing..nothing but my thoughts. My thoughts and my bordem. Ugh.. I'm going to go sleep. I'm always so tired. I might as well try and sleep early.
I have a computer again!! I'm caching up on your blog...about that opening up thing...I've been with John for MANY years:) and he still keeps his feelings to himself alot. There's nothing reall wrong with that, it's just who he is. Yes it is frustrating sometimes for us, you and me, but it just makes the times they do share how they fell that much more precious. Also, John shares more about how he feels about things or what he's thinking through his actions, ot so much with words...
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