Today was horribly stressful. I can't even begin to explain all the fucking shit that has happened today. The only good things that came from today was getting closer to Amy and spending some time with Amy. I guess spending time with Nana and Papa today was fun. But only to a small extent. But seeing Papa the way he is..its breaking my heart. And I haven't realized until now how badly I handle my own emotions. I am more like Bella than I thought. All I do is think about other people. I am completely oblivious to what I need or what I feel. Until shit just explodes.. So, I just run..I run until all my problems are gone. Funny too because I came to this realization after reading a chapter in Midnight Sun when Edward is thinking in his head "run Bella run." And I thought about how she would never run from him even if she DID think it was good for her. She wants him too much. Then I realized..this is just like me. I came to understand this even more after talking to Amy later. Ironically, one of the main things I did today was run. I ran on the treadmill in the fitness center at the hotel, I was so stressed and upset and needed out of the room. Its the only thing I wanted to do. Even more ironically I put on the soundtrack "Run Lola Run." Because its really good techno music and great for working out. Its like everything was telling me today to run. When in reality it was telling me stop fucking running! Its all you do is fucking run!
I run from people, because I can't relate to them and I hate them. I run from my problems because if I can't solve them I don't want to think about them. I run from my feelings because I feel I'm not worth the trouble of trying to explain them, even to myself sometimes. I've spent all my life running and hiding and just trying to help others. Just like fucking Bella again! I need to just fucking think of myself for once. And yet after realizing all of this, I still don't give a shit enough about myself to actually do it. So, here I sit in the hotel fucking miserable and over-thinking, wishing I cared enough about myself to fucking fix myself. And even though I have spent all day stressed out and upset and fucking miserable. The only thing I can think about is - fucking hell I was so busy worrying about my stress I forgot to call Zachary and Ashley and wish them a good day at school tomorrow. I hate myself for forgetting. And hate that its because I was busy fucking worrying about myself. Hope they forgive me..
Ps I didn't take the second picure - Amy did but it fit well with the blog title so I had to post it. Also, Amy and I have like 7 or 8 people to add to our "guys who hit on us in AZ" list. And I was dorky enough to accidently quote Bella when one of them honked at us while we were walking. I said "that's disgusting." But it really was.
I run from people, because I can't relate to them and I hate them. I run from my problems because if I can't solve them I don't want to think about them. I run from my feelings because I feel I'm not worth the trouble of trying to explain them, even to myself sometimes. I've spent all my life running and hiding and just trying to help others. Just like fucking Bella again! I need to just fucking think of myself for once. And yet after realizing all of this, I still don't give a shit enough about myself to actually do it. So, here I sit in the hotel fucking miserable and over-thinking, wishing I cared enough about myself to fucking fix myself. And even though I have spent all day stressed out and upset and fucking miserable. The only thing I can think about is - fucking hell I was so busy worrying about my stress I forgot to call Zachary and Ashley and wish them a good day at school tomorrow. I hate myself for forgetting. And hate that its because I was busy fucking worrying about myself. Hope they forgive me..
Ps I didn't take the second picure - Amy did but it fit well with the blog title so I had to post it. Also, Amy and I have like 7 or 8 people to add to our "guys who hit on us in AZ" list. And I was dorky enough to accidently quote Bella when one of them honked at us while we were walking. I said "that's disgusting." But it really was.
I'm just glad you didn't post the pic of me on the treadmill!
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