Pie is sweet

Today I was feeling down. Like I have been for the past few days. But then, Angela, Austin and Jeff (aka Pie and Dad) cheered me up. I hadn't talked to Pie in forever, since June technically. It was like he knew how sad I had been. And how close I came to actually emailing him the other day. And he emailed me tonight and just made my day. He brought tears to my eyes he made me so happy. He knows me so well. I missed him so much. He really means alot to me. Just like everybody I love in my life do. Even if I don't talk to them as much as I'd like to. They still hold such a big piece of my heart. When they pop back into my life, it just makes that piece of my heart ache for more. I put the letter he wrote me here, so I can come back tomorrow and read it again. It will make me smile just as much the second time I read it, I know. For somebody who some consider "just a computer friend." He is a great guy, and I'll never think of any of my "computer friends" like that at all. People always wonder how I can have so many friends online and still be so close to them. The truth is, they probably know me better than most people know me, even the ones who live near me. I love my computer, it keeps me close to those important to me.

P.s. - I took this picture with my CHIN. I'm a pro, SUCK IT!

Hello Toby!

Remember me? I’m the weird one from wow. What do you mean “which” weird one???

How have you been? It’s been forever and I must confess I have been feeling the shadow of a lost friend for some time. It’s nothing to be sorry for, of course, things happen and life moves at different paces for all of us. Sometimes our intersecting life’s are brief, and other are for a lifetime. But long or short, there is no denying the beauty in each chance meeting. For you have been like a beautiful light, casting a pale burst of radiance on those you touch. It’s your nature, I suppose, because I’m sure you don’t see it. Perhaps you get glimpses, and you see yourself as others do, but those moments are short and filled with doubt, I’d be willing to bet. And speaking of betting, how was your summer? I know you were watching the kids for the summer, something you said you loathed the time we talked back in June. Seems like forever ago. I wonder, if by chance, by the end of the summer you weren’t finding yourself feeling a little emotional at the prospect of not seeing them as much anymore? Feelings change, you know. ;)

For me, I’ve spent my time dealing with family, doing some biking (I biked down to the NW part of Arkansas with some friends! We just crossed the border and ate at a greasy diner which was not befitting our station, as lowly as it was that day! Still, the food didn’t kill us, so much as wreak havoc on our digestive systems. But all this was easily over-looked given the beautiful green eyes of the lady taking our orders. If I could recommend anything to my fellow biker friends it would be this: Bike south to Arkansas and order anything you like. It’s all gross and could kill you, but to stand and gaze into the deep pools of green, allowing yourself to drift out of this life into a better place, makes it all worth it. Anyway, it wasn’t really so hot as I thought it might be, and I’ve learned a new respect for biking Illinois. There are more hills than I give it credit for! Holy hell!!! We talked about maybe trying Colorado next time. I think I’ll just drive there and go fly fishing while they back, the stupid bastards.

Aside from that, I mostly fished, read, worked, and spent time with the kids (obviously). I wanted to see the Harry Potter exhibit at the Field Museum, but we never got a chance to go. Maybe I’ll take them out of school one day…. We’ll see. Did you see the Half Blood Prince? Did you read the book? The movie was good, but they easily missed half the book. BUT!! It did give Alex motivation to start reading the series. Her best friend, Tori (My second daughter now) and her are going to read them together. Currently Tori is reading Lord of the Rings trilogy that I gave her, and she’s finding it a bit difficult at parts, which doesn’t shock me. That’s a difficult read for some adults and she’s only in Jr. High. I’m very impressed.

Alex is in dance, as I type, sitting here drinking tea at Starbucks. It’s really cool here, I love it. I think the current temp is 57 atm. How sweet is that!? I love the cold, because I can wear shorts and a hoody, which I’m sure is what God gave Adam and Eve to wear once they realized they were naked. “You ate that apple? Darn you! You’re so banished to a life of hard work and pain! But first, have some nice shorts and a hoody.” God is sovereign, you know.

Anyway, I’m off. I’ve just been thinking about you quite a bit lately, and wanted you to know that even though we may not speak anymore, you’re no less a special person to me and my life.

Dear Bella

Another boring day. Went grocery shopping. Got a sonic drink. Texted to some people. Made Angela feel better when she was worried that was cool. I made Amy laugh. I talked to Zach on the phone, made him do a math problem for me lol. As bored as I was today I again, didn't feel like being social. And I'm also starting to feel really sick. I hope I'm not catching whatever Mom has. Either way tomorrow I'm actually going to do something productive.

I did put all my journals in the box John gave me though. That's what my picture is. It was his old GiJoe box. Oh, I also found a new Twilight soundtrack. Its called Twilight - The Score by Carter Burwell. Its the classical music used in the movie. I like it. I burned one for Angela too. As antisocial as I've been feeling lately..sometime this week I'm going to make it a point to go over to Angela's and watch the movie with her. And go to Amy's for a while too. Maybe even ask Zach and Ash if they want to spend the night friday or saturday night. Then again for somebody who has been feeling antisocial maybe thats too much for one week. I dunno.

I've been noticing more things I have in common with Bella. While I was on this trip in Arizona. Amy was trying to tell me that I should move to Colorado with my sister. Saying "I was just thinking Bella didn't want to move to Forks and she did and it was good for her." Riiiight well, if you want to look at it that way.. Bella doesn't WANT to move to Forks but she does because she knows its what's best for her mom. And it then turns out to be good for Bella too. Me however, I stay here in this house because its what's best for my mom. So yeah, both Bella and I did things that was best for our mom. But mine isn't turning out to be what's best for me. Lucky Bella she got to do both at once. I on the other hand will have to pick what's best for me or what's best for my mom. And to be honest I'm not even sure if moving is what's best for me. I don't know what I want or what I need. And even if I did know what I needed, I don't know if I would do it. Bah!

I also found out that I am (now) the same exact height and weight as Bella. CREEPY AWESOME! So now I'm most def going to dress as her for Halloween. I've also realized in many ways Bella is selfless and I think I'm pretty selfless. Sometimes too selfless because I put others before me too much. But Bella also wants to have her cake and eat it too. And I am also like that, sadly. Which I've just recently noticed. I am spoiled in ways much like Bella. Man, I wish I would stop coming to all these self realizations. More importantly, how many self realizations can one person possibly have? Am I really that deep of a person? Do I really have that much to my personality and mind? And isn't it a bit weird and well depressing that a book/character/movie could make come to such self realizations? I'm pathetic!

Oh and of course the one thing I don't have in common with Bella is somebody who is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her. Vampire or not, that sucks.

Dear Bella,
I hate you right now.

Star wars pillows and happy meals

Gah, I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm all screwed up. I feel like I don't want to be in the house at all. But i'm so tired all day. And I don't feel like being social with anybody. I could have spent time with my sisters and nephews and niece today. But I was just so tired and even though I was bored and wanted to get out of the house I just didn't feel like seeing everybody.

I spent most of the day just feeling like shit and being sleepy. But Mom is really sick so I went to McDonald's and got myself a happy meal for dinner. Since we had no food here. That was pretty much my day though. I know boring. Utterly boring. I did smile once today though. When Alan randomly texted me telling me he loved me. It was really sweet. I miss him..

I made Angela laugh today too. That always makes me feel better. Making people smile and laugh.

My picture is my Star Wars Boba Fett pillow by the way. My brother in law John gave it to me when I was little.

Trapped

Today sucked. Sucked so bad. My thoughts are fucking racing again. The only good thing about that damn trip was that I actually didn't fucking think the whole time. Everytime I saw Papa all sick and in pain anyway. Its like my brain went dead when I saw him like that. I didn't even cry. I know Amy was near tears plenty of times. I know I felt really sad. But I never got close to crying around him. I'm not normal. Now that I'm home I can't stop thinking of anything and everything. I'm tired all the time, I can't get back into a fucking schedule of some kind. I'm becoming depressed. I'm bored out of my mind. And I'm feeling trapped in my own home.

Sigh, I had an arguement with Patty today. I've known him since I was 15 years old. You would think after that many years of knowing him and growing closer and closer to him, he would be able to open up to me. But all I get is the same Patty everybody else gets. Well I guess that's not fair to say, he does things for me he wouldn't do or hasn't done for others. But I can't help but be upset when he can't even express his feelings for me. I know what he is feeling most of the time, so why can't he just say it? He is the one that told me it was okay to be open with him. So is it really wrong of me to expect the same in return? And he acts like I want to change him into something that better fits me or something. Its nothing like that. I just want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he is feeling. Oh God, I sound like such a fucking girl right now. Sigh. I guess I either have to just put up with him always being closed off and just guessing what he is thinking. Or stop talking to him all together. Both are shitty options to me. Seems like we are growing apart too. Or maybe its just me being busy all summer. I don't even fucking know anymore, Jesus Christ.

I went outside today and played with Rogue. I missed him and Karebear. I played with Karebear inside too. But she smells like shampoo from being at that kenel for 12 days. I kept sneezing around her. Stupid allergies, that's one thing I didn't miss while in Phoenix. I found a bunny outside today too. I took a picture before Rogue chased it away. Its ears aren't anything like the ones in Phoenix. And I for sure can't get as close to these bunnies as I can the Jack Rabbits in Phoenix.

Why do I miss Phoenix so much when I was mostly miserable there? I think it must just be the bordem. At least in Phoenix I was constantly doing something or constantly dealing or trying not to deal with something. Here its just nothing..nothing but my thoughts. My thoughts and my bordem. Ugh.. I'm going to go sleep. I'm always so tired. I might as well try and sleep early.

Kara the supercar

Today I was totally and completely jet lagged. So of course I was lazy all day. I did however get my Kara back! Oh how I missed my car. She is all shiny from being washed and waxed and her bumper was replaced. /hugs Kara. I missed you!

I took her for a spin of course, and rented a movie at Hastings. It was called Sunshine Cleaning. It was..depressing and not the movie to rent after a trip like I just had. My mistake. It was good however.

Tomorrow I should really unpack and clean my room. And find a different place for Edward. As much as I enjoy seeing Edward's face as soon as I open my eyes. He makes it difficult for me to get out of bed right there next to it. I'm still debating on whether or not I should put him next to Jack Sparrow. He would really make Jack Sparrow look like a wimp. I mean Jack only comes up to Edward's shoulder lol. Oh well.

I hope I get to see the kids this weekend. Even though I saw them and everybody else last night, I still really miss them. And still have presents to give them! Ah well.. I'm going to go watch tv for a while. The time switch is still messing with me. My body still feels two hours behind..

Waiting on Edward

Woke up early today and got ready fast finished packing whatever I missed and we left for the airport. Luckly, Uncle Ken dropped us off instead of Aunt Sharon. I was glad he was the last relative I said goodbye to. My last and final memory of Phoenix was ironically the same as Bella's..sorta. Amy was nice enough to let me sit by the window seat again. And as I looked out at the last little bit of land from Phoenix Arizona, the same exact song that played in the movie when Bella left Phoenix came on my IPod. It was bittersweet leaving Arizona. I noticed something was bothering Amy when we were in the airport and on the plane. I knew it was probably the same things that would have been bothering me if I wasn't blocking them out. I realized I'm far too perceptive for my own good. I feel like when I notice something about somebody else's feelings I have to talk to them about it. But sometimes I just want to leave them the hell alone. Because I can't help but think "If it were me I'd want to be left alone." But most of the time I open my mouth because I also can't help thinking "nobody else sees what they are feeling." Anyway, I have realized on this trip how annoying it is.

We arrived in Little Rock around 3, completely skipping lunch. Eventually, we went to Amy's house and most everybody met up there, minus Mom and Lori. And we ate dinner and talked. Then I went with Angela to the store and we went back to her house for Wild Catz night. Its funny I really didn't realize how much I truly missed her until I saw her. Kinda like I didn't realize I missed Arkansas until I saw the green. Then I realized I was getting sentimental over mother fucking trees. And later tonight I got sentimental over mother fucking fog. I really did miss my family. That's the main thing. This will always feel like home to me because of that. Sigh, I have alot to think about over the next few days... And here I thought the stress was gone.. I had a fun time tonight though and it was a great welcome home.

Random Quotes of the day:

Me: "I got all my bags, I'm just waiting on Edward now."

Lori: "You could see them from google earth!"

Lori: "Tit-too."

Goodbyes again

Today Amy and I slept in then walked to the Denny's down the street and ate breakfast there for a change. Well breakfast/lunch. I got a cool strawberry mango tea there. Oh and when we were paying our bill we were waiting for our refills in to-go cups. And some guy walked up to us and we told him to go ahead because we weren't in line. And he said "I didn't want to cut in front of you and then get spanked by you, although that might be fun." It was the must random sexual thing that's ever been said to me by an old man. Yeah, he was old..really old. We walked back and hung out here until 3ish then our uncle Brian picked us up and we went to the hospital to visit Papa. We stayed for a while.. It was hard..I don't want to talk about it really. We eventually said goodbye to everybody. And Uncle Ken and Aunt Janet brought us back to the hotel. Tomorrow morning we'll leave for the airport. This is the second time I've said goodbye to family this summer. It was a hard, stressful, emotional, bittersweet time here in Phoenix Arizona. I won't miss this shitty hotel. I won't miss the drama with my mom's family. I won't miss the stress, or the tension I feel all over my body when I'm around them. I won't miss the way my mom treats me here, or the way my Aunt Sharon does for that matter. I won't miss Aunt Sharon at all, I have lost all respect for her. There are several other things I won't miss..

I will however miss - the nights and days Amy and I spent together. Going to the gym at night and weighing myself and working out then going to the pool and talking with Amy. The different sites to see here like the Hard Rock Cafe and Jack in the box. My Uncles and my Aunt Janet. My Papa..and Nana.. The Jack Rabbits that hop around outside here. All the fun times Amy and I have had even during hard times. The palm trees and cacti. All the pretty antiques in Nana's house. And of course the heat in Arizona! Its a bittersweet situation.. But to be honest.. I'll be glad to be home. And I think this experience has really changed me. I'm not sure if its for the better or not yet though.

Johnny Rockers

Today at 4 AM Papa got really bad sick and went to the hospital. He was there all day. So we spent all day waiting for news. He has had 4 shots of morphine but is doing better. We went to Borders, Home Depot, and the Arrowhead mall today though later in the afternoon. I got my Bella Cactus! We also ate out at this place in the mall called Johnny Rockets (or if you're illiterate Johnny Rockers.) It was all 50s looking. I had mini hot dogs and french fries with a Vanilla coke. And I used the jukebox and listened to All Shook Up by Elvis. I was going to do the song Lollipop but somebody else had already done it when we first went in there. I also did Don't Be Cruel by Elvis. It was only 5 cents to play a song, friggin sweet. Anyway, today was slow. But I'm glad Papa is at least doing a little better. We are still going home on wed. Unless something worse happens..

Highlight of the day though was Borders. Oh my god, I wish we had a Borders in Arkansas. Awesome bookstore. This one was even better than the one in Florida. There was a huge Twilight area. And oh my god I just loved it. I could spend all day there.

Rock is a 4 letter word

Today was by far the best day so far. Amy and I got up and ate breakfast, apparently Mom left early to go eat breakfast with Nana and Papa. So we came back from breakfast, showered and got ready. Amy curled my hair again. Got so many compliments later I figured why the hell not? Though now I'm wishing I hadn't. By then Mom was back and we all went to Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. It was awesome! Fucking delicious food. Awesome music (they played The Killers for one thing, though sadly also played Queen /rolls eyes.) We all got a t-shirt and a glass that we had our drinks in. My t-shirt says "Rock is a four letter word." We also saw some really awesome buildings on the way there. It was in a cool part of town. Like we saw an old McDonald's and a really really old house that used to be a coffee place apparently.

Then we went to Aunt Janet and Uncle Ken's for four o' clock tea. Aunt Janet is British and when I was little we used to have tea together so this was really important to me. She even gave us British Jelly Rolls with the tea. Then we had another fucking delicious (I say fucking here and earlier because it was so good its insulting to not put the cuss word there) meal at her house. She made homemade British meat pies. Oh my god I've never loved food as much as I did at that moment. But I've also never ate three meals a day every day like I have been since I've been in Phoenix. /shrug

After that we went to Nana and Papa's house and we gave them some gifts we got them and spent a little while talking to Nana. But Papa was feeling horrible and couldn't get out of bed.. We didn't stay there long before going to the CVS again and stocking up on more drinks and snacks and heading back to the hotel. Amy and I decided not to work out. I'm just losing weight and I need to gain weight. So we just sat in the swimming pool and talked for a while instead. Tomorrow is another big day. Not sure what the plans are though really. But today was good, at least.

Mind Fuckery

Today was a complete waste of time and energy. I spent an hour getting ready for something that never happened. Spent 30 mins dealing with my mom trying to mind fuck me. I don't play those stupid games. Spent two hours waiting for a lunch that never came. And another two hours spent arguing over some drama that was never concluded. Then I spent another hour just plain stressed out. And another hour getting ready again. Including Amy curling my hair into stupid fucking annoying curls. I didn't want to do it but I did it for Papa and Nana. Tonight was Papa's birthday party. Its the whole reason this trip was set up. It was suppose to be a surprise but I knew from the beginning that was a bad idea. You just don't surprise old people. Especially when they are dying.. Especially when they never want to go out to eat. We all met at the restraunt. And Nana was suppose to bring Papa with her to the restraunt. I think it was a miracle she was even able to do that but she pretty much had to force him. Which I think is horrible.. And then you could tell he felt sick the whole time. He couldn't eat at all. He couldn't even lift his drink really. He was shaking and you could tell he was in pain and just wanted to go to bed. He ended up leaving early and then everybody met back up at his house. Again I think a stupid idea, why couldn't we just leave him be? Its his birthday its obvious he wanted to be left alone. As if that's not enough, Nana pretty much forces him to open up his presents. He wasn't even strong enough to get out of bed though. So we had to go to him in his room while he had his oxygen mask on. It was hard to see him like that, alot to handle. Then I spent another two frustrating, stressful, emotional hours listening to stories that were depressing and disgusting. And even some stories I had already heard that were hard enough to hear the first time. I just couldn't take it.

We finally left but by the time we got home to the hotel it was too late to work out or swim. Great. What an unbelievable waste of my day. AND THIS WAS THE DAY THE TRIP WAS ABOUT. GAH. Sigh. Nothing good came of today. Except for being around Amy and talking to Angela on the phone. I friggin wore high heels and curled my hair for this shit and it was worthless. Because it was all for Papa and he didn't even feel good enough to enjoy it. And I was probably the only one that thought "just leave him alone and let the man rest if he wants to!" So frustrating.

Btw in case you're wondering, I tripped 7 times at least. And I cut my foot from the shoes. Luckly, I packed Bella band-aids for my, as Amy calls it, "Bella moments." They are twilight band-aids with Edward's face on them! Oh yeah!

I don't know what else to say I'm still extremely frustrated by the turn out of today. So I'll end it here.

First pic - A jackrabbit at our hotel. Second - The high heels that nearly killed me 7 or more times. Third - My outfit without the vest. Forth - The back of my outfit with the vest, I think my butt looks bigger! Fifth - My outfit with the vest, front view. Btw the curls were alot more annoying but this is at the end of the night. I actually don't mind the curls like that. But before they were so annoyingly curly.. The dry climate made it flat though lol.

I heart bows that sparkle

Today Amy and I did laundry at the hotel laundry mat. While Mom was picking up Dad at the airport. It was very..eventful. We also ate lunch at the grill here in the hotel. Oh and I had to eat breakfast by myself this morning while Amy slept in. The mexican guy there that works there every morning was there and he hit on me. Its like he was waiting for me to be alone. I got part of my waffle stuck and he cleaned it up lol. Then a lady came in and ruined hers and he didn't offer to help her or anything lol. Horribly awkward for a while. So, of course I was texting Angela during it making fun of him.

Okay so after all that we eventually went to Nana and Papa's house. Nana had made a big homemade dinner that was really good. And I met yet another Uncle and Aunt. Aunt Mina and Uncle Brian. Plus my cousin Robin and her husband Gary. Even though she is my cousin she is older, she has a daughter my age, but she wasn't there. Robin was awesome though she is really nice so was Gary. They made the situation less tense and stressful. Though my muscles are still really friggin tense, like they have been this whole time. I would be happy if I could go one day without being friggin tense. Anyway..after that we went to CVS and got some gatorade so Amy and I could work out. While driving back to the hotel after that Mom said sorry to us. I don't get her ever anymore. Her mood swings are giving me whiplash. Seriously.

Amy and I worked out while a storm was going on outside the gym area. We weren't able to go swimming because the wind blew chairs, an umbrella and a bunch of leaves and junk into the pool. I got the umbrella out for them. I didn't even have to get in for that. But the chairs were in the deep end. Screw that! Plus it made the pool look really friggin creepy. Just look at the last picture. Oh and the second picture is when the storm was about to blow in. It took forever to get a picture of the lightning! But patience is a virtue! I stood there for a good 5 mins after Amy gave up. I was determined. The first picture is a picture of the bows I wore in my hair today. Nana is really obsessed with my hair. She makes a comment about it ever day. I'm going to try and wear it curly tomorrow just because she wants to see it curly. Even though I dread the thought. /cringe

I burned 300 calories tonight working out. But i'm not going to do it anymore. I'll go with Amy when she works out. But i'm losing weight instead of gaining. I lost 2 pounds in one day! Screw that crap I need more pounds not less! Val and Patty freak out enough about me not eating/weighing enough.

P.S. My bows sparkle like Edward in the sun! /swoon

P.S.S I should really get that shirt that says "I heart boys that sparkle." /writes that on a list

Midnight Run not Sun

Amy got up at 8 today and took a shower while I slept for an extra hour. Then we ate breakfast and I took a shower and got ready. Then Mom came back from visiting with Nana and Papa and Mom, Amy and I went to the mall. I got Zach and Ashley a gift and Amy got Caleb a gift. And we ate at Panda Express. It was good. We went to several stores we had never been to before. Like Macy's and this one random game store. It was pretty sweet. But not as sweet as the candy store! Ah-ha! Get it?! I went crazy in that place. Literally. Amy probably thought I was as bad as her kids in a candy store. But who cares I got alot of candy. Then we went to Nana and Papa's house. Spent several stressful hours with them. Then left upset and mad. Came back to the hotel, and Amy and I composed ourselves, then we went to the Bead Museum. It was a really cool. It had beads from all different places over the world. Some were really old. I made a bracelet from the store that looks like another Bella bracelet. Or as close to her bracelet as I can get. And okay I haven't actually made it yet but I bought the beads.

We went to Jack in the Box again after that. That place is seriously good. I wish there was one in Arkansas. Then we went to CVS to buy Papa a gift. Then back to the hotel. Amy and I worked out again on the treadmills and took a dip in the pool after. I burned 400 calories. But sadly I lost weight instead of gaining. Lame. Speaking of lame I can't tell you how many times I've tripped on this vacation. More than I normally do, which is saying alot. Today I was walking back to the door of our room and I tripped over my own feet and Amy yelled something about having a Bella moment. And I turned around to yell screw you to her, and I ran right into the glass door when I turned back around. Geez lol. I really wanted to finish reading Midnight Sun but I like the idea of working out every day while we are here. So, we went on a Midnight run instead ah-ha! Still want to finishing reading it before I go to bed though..


Okay, so the first picture is the lollipops at the candy store. MMMM my favorite! The second picture is at the bead museum. Funny..they had alot of crazy, amazing, creative, unbelievably unique beads. And out of all of the pics of those pics I took..I'm posting this one because those were my favorite. They are pretty but simple. Amy said they remind her of Bella. Another way in which I'm like Bella..she likes simple stuff. Loves it!

I just got done downloading Amy's photos onto the laptop. Now we are going to play a game and watch the Nanny lol. AND TOMORROW..I'M MAKIN WAFFLES!

Wild Batz night

So today we slept in, thank God. We left the hotel around noon. And we went to Jack in the box for lunch. I was excited since Patty made fun of me for not knowing what that place was. But we don't have them in Arkansas. It was really good too. And I sent this picture to Patty telling him I ate here haha. He was proud. We went to Wal-Mart after. Oh, and we went to the post office today too. I got a box to put Edward in lol. So when we were driving around today I had Edward in the backseat with me and I buckled him in. Because I was thinking about how Bella wanted Edward to put on her seatbelt lol. Then I texted Angela sending her the picture and she said I should get more dork points since if he were real he wouldn't need to wear a seatbelt. But I told her how Bella wanted him to wear one. And she said but Bella didn't get her way. And I said but THIS Bella does. And then Amy said that was another way I'm like Bella. Whatever lol.

We came back to the hotel and just chilled. Took naps and stuff. Then Mom went to see Nana and Papa. Amy and I stayed at the hotel and texted Angela, making our own little Wild Catz night even though we are far away. Only we are going to offically call it Wild Batz night. Because when Amy texted Angela about Wild Catz night she accidently typed in Wild Batz night.

Now I'm blogging and Amy is waiting to take over the computer. So I guess I'll end it here. Oh and I miss Patty and Val. I talked to them both today and it just made me miss them more. Gah..

Run Bella run

Today was horribly stressful. I can't even begin to explain all the fucking shit that has happened today. The only good things that came from today was getting closer to Amy and spending some time with Amy. I guess spending time with Nana and Papa today was fun. But only to a small extent. But seeing Papa the way he is..its breaking my heart. And I haven't realized until now how badly I handle my own emotions. I am more like Bella than I thought. All I do is think about other people. I am completely oblivious to what I need or what I feel. Until shit just explodes.. So, I just run..I run until all my problems are gone. Funny too because I came to this realization after reading a chapter in Midnight Sun when Edward is thinking in his head "run Bella run." And I thought about how she would never run from him even if she DID think it was good for her. She wants him too much. Then I realized..this is just like me. I came to understand this even more after talking to Amy later. Ironically, one of the main things I did today was run. I ran on the treadmill in the fitness center at the hotel, I was so stressed and upset and needed out of the room. Its the only thing I wanted to do. Even more ironically I put on the soundtrack "Run Lola Run." Because its really good techno music and great for working out. Its like everything was telling me today to run. When in reality it was telling me stop fucking running! Its all you do is fucking run!

I run from people, because I can't relate to them and I hate them. I run from my problems because if I can't solve them I don't want to think about them. I run from my feelings because I feel I'm not worth the trouble of trying to explain them, even to myself sometimes. I've spent all my life running and hiding and just trying to help others. Just like fucking Bella again! I need to just fucking think of myself for once. And yet after realizing all of this, I still don't give a shit enough about myself to actually do it. So, here I sit in the hotel fucking miserable and over-thinking, wishing I cared enough about myself to fucking fix myself. And even though I have spent all day stressed out and upset and fucking miserable. The only thing I can think about is - fucking hell I was so busy worrying about my stress I forgot to call Zachary and Ashley and wish them a good day at school tomorrow. I hate myself for forgetting. And hate that its because I was busy fucking worrying about myself. Hope they forgive me..


Ps I didn't take the second picure - Amy did but it fit well with the blog title so I had to post it. Also, Amy and I have like 7 or 8 people to add to our "guys who hit on us in AZ" list. And I was dorky enough to accidently quote Bella when one of them honked at us while we were walking. I said "that's disgusting." But it really was.

Papa and Nana

Today I saw my Nana and Papa for the first time since I was five. The first thing Papa said to me was "What did you do to your hair? You're not blonde anymore." Kinda funny because I wasn't sure he remembered me because of that comment. But I remembered how long its been and when I was little I had blondeish brown hair. But it was depressing because he looked so horrible..so sick and frail. I tried to prepare myself for it but I was still shocked. Today was all very emotional. Amy almost lost it at dinner when we went out to eat and Nana turned and said "We haven't said grace" and asked Amy to say it.

I can tell already this trip is going to be hard for all of us to handle. And we are going to have to take alot of breaks. Because its just emotionally too much to handle. Today we took a couple of breaks and went shopping. Amy got an outfit and Mom got alot of clothes. Then we got some food for our hotel fridge.

The picture for today is Nana and Papa's house. They have to sell their house to move to a smaller one for assistant living. Too bad their house is really nice.. Its crazy how all the front "yards" in Arizona are just..rocks..and cacti lol. Its different..

I saw my Aunt Janet and Uncle Ken today too. I was really little the last time I saw them too. My Uncle Ken couldn't get over how much I've grown. Its all a bit weird..I was half expecting somebody to pinch my cheeks.. My Aunt Janet is awesome though, she has a British accent. She is very very British its awesome. I remember when I was little I had 4:00 tea with her. Hopefully we'll be able to have some together this week.

Ps - Phoenix has alot of guys that are hitting on me, its awkward. Two mexican guys even checked out Amy today it was weird. They like looked her up and down and were grinning really big. OH! There was this one guy today though that looked JUST like Dave Grohl (when Dave didn't have facial hair) who was checking me out..and I was COMPLETELY okay with that. /smirk

Twi-Tour 2009

Amy and I woke up early and had starbucks coffee on our deck outside. Then I took a really awesome shower, the shower was big and had a seat in it. Then I put on the robe that was in there for me, awesome!! Then we took forever getting ready. I dressed up to look like Bella after she was turned into a vampire. With my plaid dress, tights that look like Bella's in the movie when she wears her prom dress, along with the low top converse. The dress looked perfect to me because it looked like something Alice would dress Bella in. I also wear my black bead necklace but I put the Cullen crest locket on it. It was actually suppose to be on a bracelet but I already had my Bella St. Jude bracelet. Oh and my Bella hair headband. My hair looked just like Bella's too! It was awesome. I did my own make up though so that part was crappy. But I got alot of winks from guys today and alot of compliments.

Amy even said the guy that plays Eric Yorkie was checking me out lol. It was kinda funny actually. We were walking to the grill to eat. And I looked up and this cute guy smiles, raises his eyesbrows and waves at me. So I smiled and waved back and then they go by and Amy was like "That was the guy that plays Eric Yorkie!" And I was like holy crap you're right lol. And she only noticed because she noticed him checking me out. It was also funny because I was carrying a gaint cutout of Edward Cullen. YEAH THATS RIGH!!! I bought a life sized cutout of Edward Cullen. AND!..I got Bella's wedding ring! It only fits on my ring finger. So it looks like i'm married or engaged lol. But oh well, I didn't want to get the bigger size and have it be too big on my wedding finger. It would defeat the purpose when I dress up like Bella. And maybe it will get the guys to stop hitting on me.... Maybe.

There are so many stories to tell! We saw Angela Weber, Eric Yorkie, Sam from the wolf pack and Paul from the wolf pack. I liked Angela and Eric the best. They were funny. They acted like they were dating too. I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Angela even said "we're engaged" joking around when somebody asked Eric who from the cast he would date in real life. And Eric responded by saying "Only Angela!" Well he used her real life name but I forgot what it was lol. I keep wanting to call her Angela. But anyway, they were cute together and funny.

I got alot of compliments for my costume. But I didn't end up entering the costume contest. Glad I didn't either. The two who won were lesbians who dressed up as Alice and Jasper before they were vampires. The chick who dressed as Jasper had the solider uniform on. And Mary Alice was dressed in like a victorian dress. The costumes were good I guess.. But their personality sucked so bad. They didn't ever smile or say anything they were just boring. Plus it was weird seeing a girl dressed as Jasper.. There was a little girl that dressed like victoria though she was adorable and she honestly had the best costume. She was even bare foot with leaves in her hair. She was so cute.

We saw alot of team Jacob people today..lame. Of course I guess that's to be expected when the wolf pack was there today. But we saw this one guy that was with his daughter and his shirt said on the front "Runs with werewolves" and on the back it said "Twilight dad." And the back of his daughter's shirt said "Werewolf" and the front said "Jacob Black is my boyfriend." I thought that was awesome. And I saw his car too, and he had two twilight bumper stickers, one that said "Twilight mom's bite me" and one that had Edward's handwriting that said "Be safe." That's one awesome dad.

Out of all the people in costume today, there was only one other Bella. And she was dressed like Bella at prom. She had the dress and cast and all. It was fun looking at everybody's costumes. The little girl is the one I was talking about dressed as Victoria, and the two right behind her are the lesbians dressed like Alice and Jasper..they won. There was one guy that dressed up as Emmett, everybody liked that alot. There were also these people there called the Hillywood show. They did like a spoof of Twilight. And they were dressed up like them all day of course and staying in character. They were pretty funny. The chick that played Alice did not look like Alice though. Speaking of Alice, there were SO many friggin girls dressed like Alice! And just as many women dressed like Rosalie.. Even..fat ones.

Okay, I can't think of anymore stories right now. I'll post more later if I think of more. I'm pretty tired right now though.

First pic-Twi-Tour signs. Second pic-Justin Chon (Eric Yorkie) showing off his tattoo. Third pic-Costume contest finalists with the Hillyhood Show people. Forth pic-Amy and I outside the hotel and yeah I really look like Bella as a vampire I friggin glow! Fifth pic-Edward's piano!

Life needs frosting

I was on a plane for most of the day so I'm not really going to blog here. I'm just going to say the blog title is the Cinnabons quote which is what I had for lunch at the airport waiting for our layover in Las Vegas. And no I didn't gamble. I did however drink a strawberry daqueraieee? Too tired to spell that right. By the pool! At our awesome hotel. I'll have to post more pics of it later. Its great. The second picture is the almost life size chess board that is outside of the hotel. And the first picture is a baby lizard that somehow made it into our room and I caught him and let him outside.

Random quotes of the day:
Amy: I've seen this cactus before!
Me: I can smell your scent from here.
Amy: You're shehxy.
Amy: The palm trees moved.

Carnies hit on me

So I spent most of the day packing. Though I did have a "date" with Patty. We got in WoW and did the orphan quests together. Since I did mine already on my hunter I did it on my Pally with him and got the other pet. The oracle one. He is so ugly he is cute...sorta. Then I packed more. Took a shower and realized my new straightener sucks. So I took the kids and we went to the library to pick up my book Eclipse that came in just in time. Then we went to Hastings to return a movie. Then to Wal-Mart so I could return the crappy straightener and get a better one. Oh and to get a bag for mom's laptop. Which we are taking on the trip with us. Then we went from there to the carnival in beebe.

We got pizza, lemonade and of course funnel cake. We had a couple of dollars left so Ashley used it to play the fishing game. The guy that ran that booth hit on me hardcore. He like asked if I was the kids big sister. I said no aunt. And he said "no way" and asked how old I was. I said 22 and he said "no way" again. I said yeah I am. And he said "You're gorgeous." It got more awkward as the convo went on. Lets just cut this short and say it went on way long. He asked my name and said his name was Stefan. Which just made me want to call him Stephenie. He eventually said "You should come back later we are going to have a bbq." And then after dodging the invitation for a while. He repeated by saying "You should really come back later for the bbq we could have a drink." Now that I am writting this I realize what a weird line that is. Its obvious he is talking about getting drunk which is what came to mind at first. But now i'm thinking..hm he is a friggin vampire. And he wanted to drink my blood. Anyway, he was sorta cute. Cutest one there. The only one that looked decent actually. And it was sweet and flattering in a odd way. Not sure how somebody could think i'm gorgeous though. Especially how I was dressed today. It was a bit odd. I found myself wishing I could read minds to see what he was really thinking. Somtimes I think guys don't think at all..unless you count their penis.

I couldn't help but get choked up when I was driving home from dropping the kids off. I burned them both two cds and wrote a lil note to them. I kissed them goodbye and realized this was the last time I'd see them this summer. When I get back it won't be summer anymore. They will be in school and I won't be seeing them much anymore. I quickly realized that if I get the chance next summer I will do this all over again. Despite all the stress and complaining about not getting enough money, spending more money than I make and the kids somtimes getting on my nerves.. I love them and I loved my time with them this summer. I had fun with them and I grew closer to them. I can't regret that at all. And I realized that if I had been paid nothing I still would have had just as much fun as I did today. I spent like 20 dollars on a crappy carnival today..and I would do it all over again. They really do mean the world to me. I'm going to miss them alot for the next two weeks.. I hope they have a good first day of school..

Switch out!

Didn't sleep much last night/this morning. When I woke up and went to open my door I had forgot I colored my hair. I was a bit shocked to see my dark redish brown hair in the reflection of my mirror. I must say though its growing on me. Especially with my pale skin and green or blue eyes. It seems like a good match. I spent most of the day washing clothes and attempting to put outfits together. Though I must admit I can only take so much of that. So I kept pausing to read Midnight Sun, text people and download more music to put on my IPod for the trip.

I eventually left to get the kids. I picked up some hamburger buns after making Kevin give me a couple of dollars for it lol. Then I went to Amy's house to get her Cds so I could make her her own Playlist on my IPod. In case she wants to borrow it on the plane while I'm using the PSP Patty bought me a few years ago. Ashley, Zach and I bought a soda on our way out because we were thirsty. Ashley got a strawberry soda and I got a orange Zach a Dr. Pepper. It was funny because I really wanted to get a strawberry soda because thats my favorite. But I decided to get orange so Ashley and I could switch off and have two different sodas. So I was driving down the highway and every once in a while yelling "Switch out!" And Ashley would hand me the strawberry and I'd hand her the orange and vise versa. Then we both quickly realized they tasted really good together. So we stopped drinking and when we got home we each got a glass and poured half of each in each glass. Strawberry-Orange soda is the new thing. Its all the rage in Aunt Karen's house. So I had that to drink, bbq mini hot dogs, mac n cheese, baked beans and a sloppy joe for dinner. The mini bbq hot dogs and mac n cheese I stole from Amy's house lol. Its my favorite meal that John and Amy make (not counting John's ribs). So when I went to get the Cds she packed some for me to take home. Best dinner I've had in ages. Mmmmm..

I've spent the rest of my night trying to cram tons of music on my Ipod and still washing clothes. Fun stuff. Also, I got on WoW for a minute and got this cute lil wolvar pet. Its the new orphan pet in WoW. Its so cute. Oh and btw this is yet another blog I didn't cuss in. At least I don't think I did.

Property of WildCats

Today I did laundry..all day. And I still have alot more to do. And then pack. I'm going to be so sick of looking at clothes by the time this is over with. Around like 4:30 I left the house and went by McDonalds to get a happy meal and head to Angela's. I was texting Val for like an hour or more during this and before this. I was pretty proud of myself for being able to drive, eat a happy meal and text at the same time. But once I told Val how proud I was of this. He said "Be safe" and stopped texting me then. What a jerk right?

I got to Angela's house (after dropping off Zach's phone charger) and we hung out and I watched her make lemon cookies until Lori showed up. Then Angela started the huge process of dying my hair. She dyed Lori's too. And by the time we both had our hair dyed, Angela was in the process of dying our hair and straightening it when Amy showed up. All in all it was a really quite night for a bunch of wild catz. Especially since this would be the last one for about three weeks. But Lori was really tired. Amy seemed it too. And i'm always quite unless I have something to say. And I just didn't really have much to say. Plus I was a little lost in thought and also distracted by the darkness of my hair. But oh well I had fun. And i'm really greatful Angela dyed my hair. I like it. I have my Bella hair in time for the Twi-tour! Oh and the picture I took really doesn't do it justice. Its more red than it looks in that picture for some reason. Can't wait to see what it looks like in the sun tomorrow. Ignore the black rings under my eyes.. Oh and the second picture is of Angela's new socks she got haha.

Speaking of Zach I'llEffhisron, I watched 17 again last night. It was hilarious! I liked it more than I thought I would! Best movie I've seen in the past couple of weeks for sure. I loved the Star Wars parts in it. His dorky best friend was awesome haha. Plus the chick that played Harriet the Spy was in it. Lulz.

P.s. Angela I didn't cuss once in this blog. In your face.

Spiderman and Tinkerbell undies

Today I slept in. Though i'm not sure you can really call four hours sleep "sleeping in." But I went to bed at like 8 and woke up at like 12. Anyway, when I woke up Amy and the kids were here. So I ate lunch with them. And watched cartoons with them. Soon after that they had to leave. I took a shower and scowled at my own reflection for a while and the stupid curls that were already popping out from under the towel on my head. Then I got a text from Lori saying she needed to go to Wal-Mart. And though I hated the idea I had some stuff I needed to get too. So I met her at her house. And the kids, Lori and I went to Wal-Mart, Maurices, Hastings and then Dixie Cafe. I got a new shirt at Maurices that Lori pretty much forced me to get after forcing me to try it on. We ate at Dixie Cafe because Kevin could give us free kids dinners lol.

After that we all went back to Lori's house then I went home to grab the Hastings movie I forgot was due today. And I returned it and went BACK to Wal-Mart. Because the Wal-Mart in searcy didn't have the hair dye I wanted..grrrr. I got hair dye (dying my hair tomorrow or rather Angela is), make up (that took forever because I had no clue what I was doing), some sunglasses, a new straightener (still no idea what I was doing), some blank CDs (to burn CDs for various family members) and some undies. My tomboy side wanted the lil boys undies but my girly side wanted to the lil girls undies. So I settled for spiderman lil boys undies and tinkerbell lil girls undies. Though technically I think they were "juniors" tinkerbell undies. Which seems weird that they would make those. But whatever. I'm still a lil pissed off they didn't have Star Wars or Batman undies in my size. What they think only lil bitty boys like Star Wars and Batman? Pfft.

Ashley gave me a poster of the guy who plays Jacob Black in the Twilight movie saga. It was really sweet. She was like "I know you like Edward but they only had Jacob." It was really cute and even though I'm totally team Edward. And really don't like Jacob at all until the third and fourth book when he becomes less annoying, I'm still going to put this poster up in my room. Because my niece gave it to me and it was so cute and sweet. It made my heart melt. Well no I didn't because thats not possible.. But if my heart were chocolate it would have.

I rented 17 again tonight and I plan to watch it in a little while. But that reminds me.. While I was at Hastings literally right at the door going inside, I watched somebody run into another parked car. I saw it happen and stopped and was like holy shit. And just stood shocked for a minute. I was about to memorize the license plate number when I saw the car park. I figured oh well they're going to come inside then. So, I went inside and told the guy at the register that somebody outside hit a parked car but I think they are coming inside. He nodded and walked outside then he came back in and when I was checking out he said "Yeah, I went outside and the dude drove away really fast as soon as I walked out." My bad! Shoulda memorized the number. Luckly, the guy said they have cameras and they'll be able to rewind and see what the number is.

I had a conversation today with Angela about being a vampire. It was pretty interesting considering there was a weird moment when I got all excited about being one only to remember that can't possibly happen. But we kept talking about it like it was real and I had just had a dream this morning about it being real lol. But if it were real..Angela's special power would either be being able to heal humans by touching them or never ending patience. And mine would be something having to do with graphic design. Like being able to make people think they are somewhere they aren't or touching people and showing them images like Renesmee. Something creative and graphic designish though. Oh and since we would both be uber pretty because that just happens when youre a vampire..I would have bigger boobs and Angela would have red hair. And I would lose all clumbsyness like Bella did and be extremely graceful! Yay! Though I still kinda think my boobs actually wouldn't get bigger if this was all real. I still believe I wouldn't be that lucky. /pout

Quote of the day:
Angela: So it wasn't pre-mediated theft?
Me: Nope. Or you woulda seen it coming, Alice!

If you don't get the quote of the day then..well you're stupid.

Happy Birthday Angela!

So, I spent most of the day working on Angela's birthday gift. Midnight Sun is the next book Stephenie Myer the author of the Twilight saga is going to come out with. Midnight Sun is Twilight but from Edward's point of view instead of Bella. The first 12 chapters were leaked on the internet. So I printed them out put them in a binder, graphic designed some cover art. And bought her a bonus tinkerbell folder. I was planning on putting it in the folder at first. But I couldn't find a Twilight folder like I wanted to. So I had got the tinkerbell one. Which was cute but just wouldn't do. So I settled for the clear cover binder with my graphic art cover. On the back I put a piece of paper that said "to alice from bella" in Bella's handwritting (first picture.) Alot of time and effort went into that gift. But thats one of the few things I like about myself. As Val would put it, I give kingly gifts.

I went to Angela's house around 5 and gave her the gift. She also made some birthday pizza. Which was really good for some pizza that came out of a box. I talked to her for a while before heading over to Amy's house. It was just a quick stop to drop off her purse she had left in my car. On my way home it started getting overcast. By the time I reached the Cabot exit I noticed that one side of the city was pitch black and the other side was clear. I thought it was really cool looking so I took a picture (second picture.) Its kinda blurry but it wasn't suppose to be dark outside and yet it looks like midnight or something. Then I went to sonic to grab a drink. The guy that gave me my drink told me to be careful driving home because it was about to get really nasty. I almost felt bad for not tipping the guy.. But that was short lived once he called me "little girl." Besides, if I were actually afraid of storms him warning me to be careful would have just ceased all carefulness and made me go into freak out mode. Lucky for him and me storms don't scare me. Though he was right as soon as I got out of sonic it was pitch black everywhere and the rain was pouring. But I love driving in the rain and the view of the dark clouds randomly lit up from the lightening was beautiful.

When I got home I laid down on my bed for a while texting to Timmy. I hadn't heard from him in ages. But I had a really bad migraine that had been on and off all day. So that eventually stopped and I decided to watch Race to Witch Mountain. It was a good movie.. But I really don't much care for "the rock" and the movie just made me miss the original Race to Witch Mountain movies. /shrug

I talked to Patty a bit today too. I feel bad for him. He keeps having health issues. So now he has spent so much money on health issues and such he won't be able to take classes for a while. I can't help that feeling I get when I hear he is in trouble like that. I get this irrational urge to drop everything and just help him however I can. Like get three jobs and give him all the money I make. Or become a prostitute or something. Okay, maybe not that lol. But still..I do wish I could help him. But instead all I could do was tell him it would be okay and that classes would always be there for him to take. I think he is okay considering. He is just frustrated this year hasn't really been a good year for him. Either way, I told him I missed him alot lately and that I was leaving saturday. So he said he had off friday but he might be cranky because he has surgery on thursday. So I promised to help get uncranky. And with that we have a date set. So friday should be a good day. And then of course the rest of the weekend should be too! I'm so excited about my Twi-tour!