Tricks and sticks

My mind is playing tricks on me lately. I get very few hours of sleep. And then either wake up every five minutes until I give up. Or wake up from a night terror. Or that very special situation where I wake up and I know I'm awake but I'm still dreaming, so I see things in my room. That's just the best isn't it? Gah, I hate it. This morning I woke up like that. I swear on my life I thought somebody was in my room and talking to me. I can't even remember what they were saying. I just remember jumping off my bunk and stumbling out of my bedroom with my eyes closed, hearing the voice all the way down the hall. Until I got to the living room, then I realized I was completely awake the voice was gone I didn't see anything, and nobody was home. Fun times! Whatever.

Amy and the kids were here most of the day. And then John came later and we had steak for dinner. I always enjoy my time with them of course. Caleb seems to always want to knock down Edward. Adam always wants to play Wii. Daniel, well he is happy just having a stick from our yard. John accidental broke Daniel's stick tonight. Daniel was so upset he cried and pouted for at least a good 15 minutes. Until John got some duct tape and taped each end back together. He smiled really big and acted like it was the greatest stick in the world now. Like the silver tape somehow made it newer and better than it was before it was broke. It was such a childlike display. Not as in immature exactly but..I don't know, childishly enduring. I love that he is like that and I only hope that all the kids keep that same quality with them the rest of their life. Being able to be sad one minute and then happy the next. Being able to enjoy something as simple as a stick, and yet devastated when its broken. Then happy again when its temporarily fixed. The whole thing is just so very enduring. Its a quality I'd like to think I still carry with me. And hope I never lose. Being childlike is a very useful thing. More people should notice that.

I was suppose to go to Angela's today. But since Amy and the kids were here for so long I wasn't able to. But that's okay, I'll see her sometime this week. Maybe go early Wednesday. I will make up to her with cookies! Something special hmm..what kind I wonder? Maybe something comical to make her laugh. I love making Angela laugh. Making her laugh makes me laugh. And sometimes making myself laugh makes her laugh lol. Its good times!

The picture is Daniel and his stick, with the tape, smiling down on it. My hand is holding him still and the picture is still blurry because he wouldn't sit still from excitement lol. You'll have to excuse my appearance I'm barefoot and in my pj's.

Peas are conformists

Today was a relaxing Sunday. Or at least I tried for it to be. My allergies were relentless today. So after getting a few hours of sleep I quickly gave up and took a strawberry bubble bath. The steam helped out a little bit but not as much as I hoped. As soon as I was out of the steaming hot bathroom the sneezing picked up like before I had entered it. I spent most of the day watching movies and reading in between sneezes and coughs. I went grocery shopping but I quickly decided that not only did I hate shopping but grocery shopping was worse. Especially when nearly everything Mom wanted was stuff I didn't much care for. I got some more baking stuff for myself though. For dinner we had meatloaf, (which is one of my favorite things that Mom makes) potatoes and peas.

Ugh peas, how I hate them. They have to be my most hated food, not only because they taste horrible but because of what they are. Firstly, a vegetable. I don't much care for healthy things, least of all vegetables. But I will eat any vegetable over peas. Peas are bland, boring and tasteless. They are round and squishy. And if you poke them they just ooze out a gushy, disgusting, green, bland mush. Why are they so perfectly round and boring? Even when you put loads of butter and salt they are completely and utterly tasteless! I'll tell you why, they are conformists. Peas are conformists little bastards. Ascetically pleasing with their roundness and dull greenness. Trying to show you how comforting they are by being exactly as they should, just so you will eat them. I bet you people who actually like peas are just as dull and boring as peas themselves. Or they are just comforted by their boringness because they have known it for so long. Luckily, I have always hated peas and will never find their mushiness comforting. I'll take green beans any day, thank you very much. Ah, green beans, the rebels of the vegetable world!

At least the meatloaf was good, now back to my book! And yes, I just ranted about peas. You're reading Karen's blog. If you expected normality, you must like peas.

I enjoy blogs

Today I went to the library with Amy, Adam, Daniel and Caleb. We went to Sonic after and then to Lori's house. Angel, Lori and I spent a good hour trying to decide what we wanted to do, during this hour I couldn't sit still at all. Angela did tell me where my apple is located though! I won't go into that much, but I will say its when you smile and now that I know where it is I can't stop poking at that spot on my face. Then Angela decided we would just go to Searcy. So we went there and just kinda drove around for a while before landing at Payless shoes. Then we walked over to Hastings. Then we got hungry and decided on Chili's. I ordered chicken with honey mustard that ended up being fish. Another reason I hate chicken, I guess. Angela and Lori insisted it wasn't fish, but it was, I almost threw up.

Then we went to this place called Underground. It's a coffee place. Sounds like a vampire hangout spot, looks like one too actually lol. But it was fun, awesome actually. I love coffee shops! Angela and Lori taught me how to play MASH, which I had never done before. And they made me do this weird game where you draw a picture using specific things, and each thing represents something depending on how you put it in your picture. The sun stands for you, which I put setting but shining, which means I have low self confidence (duh) but still shine bright or some crap lol. The tree meant my religion which was hilarious because I had two trees, that seems fitting since I am unsure of my religion for now and have been for a while. My house which means family was small and hidden, not really showing much. Not sure what that means exactly but probably something like I love them but they sometimes annoy the crap out of me and drive me insane? I didn't draw any people which meant I was a loner, fitting as well. The snake represented fear and my snake was a rattlesnake which meant my fear would warn me before it happened or something. But it was heading toward my "body of water" which represented my sexuality which meant I was scared of sex, TRUTH! My picture was very detailed and symetrical too which probably meant something like creative or something I don't know but it was fun, and mostly accurate.

As for the MASH game, I will marry Robert Pattinson, we'll have a black and blue wedding, we'll live in a shack in Scotland, be poor lol, honeymoon on Isle Esme, have a firebird, be celebrities, have five kids and a dog, Jacob. Don't ask me how we're poor and have rich things and are celebs, but I guess that's because of the five kids? I don't know haha. Or maybe we are saving up for five colleges. Or "shacks" in Scotland are actually castles and poor in Scotland is actually rich in America, yeah that's it! But anyway..Angela got to marry Jacob. So technically, she is marrying my dog. In your face Angela, you cradle robber, you.

Angela was friggin reading my mind left and right today! Her visions are becoming stronger, oh noes! No but seriously, I like that I can just give Angela one look and she'll know whats going down. And she knows what I'm going to say before I say it. Having your own personal Alice is great! I'm glad we all three got to spend time together today. I had fun, finally today I was distracted enough from my depressing weekend to be happy.

Okay so the first picture is one of the new Twilight tee-shirts I got that I wore today. Its hard to wear the shirt and not want to play ball, or at least yell "play ball!" The back is the Forks High School logo, sweetness! Second is Angela and I being silly and pointing to our MASH game and matching Twilight tees. The third is Angela, Lori and I. By the way, you can see my apples in these pics! /giggles

Quotes of the day:
(There are really too many to mention so i'm just saying the ones I can think of lol.)

Angela: "We taught Karen what a snatch was!"
Me: "I enjoy..*insert whatever random thing we were talking about I said this phrase all day long about everything*"
Me: "This doesn't please me.."

Hooded Emotions

I went shopping with Mom today. As much as I hate shopping, she wouldn't stop bugging me. And I knew she was going to spend money on me because of the big argument we had last night. And I know her well enough to know that I wasn't going to hear an apology but she was going to buy me things instead. Because well, I guess Hallmark doesn't make greeting cards that say, "Dear daughter, I'm emotionally retarded and don't know how to apologize, so please accept this card instead." And even if they did I think I'd prefer the sneaky spending of money on me rather than a blunt card with a bunch of roses on it. Its not something I would exactly want to keep in my memory box if you know what I mean.

We went out to eat and then Mom went to a few stores for herself. Taking her sweet time while I glared death glares at anybody that bumped into me or rather came close to doing so. You would think as much as my family drags me to go shopping I would eventually get used to it. But I still hate it and can't help but wear my hoody. I feel so self conscious and even though I'm sure I get more stares with the hoody in the 90 degree weather rather than just not wearing it, I can't help but wear the comforting thing. I suppose I have always been like that though. I remember when I went to school I would wear a jacket all year long. No fake! People used to ask me why I would always wear it. But if they got to know me a little more like Cynthia, it was easily rided off as me just always being cold. Those were the days when I had the nice knee length black leather jacket with the hood. Oh man, I miss that jacket! I could easily go into how hoodies and jackets could easily represent the wall that I alway put around myself to keep my emotions in. Just because that thought has occurred to me before. But I don't feel like it, I am actually not feeling that emotional or depressed as I previously have been this week.

I guess that is one thing I will look forward to about fall and winter. I will be able to wear a jacket and or hoody without being looked like a freak. In the summer its a bit hard to walk around without them. But at least I mastered my ability to finally wear a bathing suit without freaking out! Yay! Standing ovation, please. You've all seen the white bikini with the cute little black hearts, come on!!

Anyway, at least I got Austin's birthday gift today. And I got two new Twilight shirts that mom bought me. /rolls eyes

Full Moon

I didn't sleep all night. Not like thats a big surprise. But I was sitting at my computer early this morning reading something online, when Jason IMed me. First time I have talked to him in months? Turns out his life is great. Engaged and what have you. Go figure everybody around me is married and popping out kids. Especailly the ones that never wanted it before. Looks like i'm the only on left that doesn't have the one thing that has always been important to me. Sheesh.. Anyway, after that wonderful conversation, Patty got on and we had a lovely arguement. Good times! Deciding that there was finally a reason to try and go to sleep if only to go into a nightmare instead of living one, I went to lay down.

I slept a whooping three hours! Only to wake up feeling worse than I felt last night. Cold sweats and shivers plus fits of coughing! Life keeps getting better. Sigh.

Mom and Hank went out to eat. It was his attempt and trying to pretend he is a good husband I guess, who knows? Either way they brought me back food. Later I went to Hastings and Walgreens. I got some random movies, the newest Mummy movie which I have already seen but wanted to see again and something else I don't remember. Then I got New Moon chocolate candy. Edward is shaped like the Cullen Crest, Jacob is a wolf howling and Bella is a heart. Edward is caramel filling (No fake! My fav! And he is smooth afterall), Jacob is peanut butter (that's fitting I would assume peanut butter to be a best friend flavor ah-ha!) and Bella is creme filled (No, I'm not going to touch that one.) /snicker Seriously though, Edward tastes better than I imagined. Mmm makes me want to make some caramel cookies next week. Oh god caramel is so good! Wonder what caramel milk would taste like...

Sigh I still feel like crap. Though more cheery than this morning or this afternoon. I still feel depressed, upset and sick. Still having cold sweats and chills. Coughing and I just finished my third cold shower for the day. I don't care enough to straighten or dry my hair. But I don't ever really anymore. I wish I had somebody to do it for me. Like that one time I made Angela color my hair and style it lol. My own personal Alice. God that was great. Sitting still is alot less painful than having to sit still and do it all myself.

The moon was pretty tonight. Full and glowing. I sat out there for while just looking at it and petting Rogue. I wish summer lasted all year round. But I'm already noticing the change in the temperature and the falling leaves. /pout Oh summer, how I will miss you! You're the best season ever! With your warm sun, humid air, hot temperatures, pretty flowers, and little furry animals running around. Fall, you better at least be pretty this year. Last year your falling leaves were disappointing and dull.

Bittersweet Butterscotch Crinkles

Today was bittersweet. And I don't mean my cookies.. Though they were named after this particular feeling raging inside me today. Which is ironic because when I walked into Angela's house tonight and handed her the bag of cookies that were for her, and she asked me what was bothering me, I thought for a minute my cookie name gave it away. But perhaps it was just more noticeable from my facial expression. Though now that I typed all this out here I suppose she'll read it and know. STALKER! Vampire stalker! /shrug I burned myself pretty bad while baking the cookies too. I was holding onto the cookie sheet after taking out my first batch. I reached with my right hand to grab something and all the cookies slid down to the side I wasn't holding. And as I reached to grab it before it fell the corner of the cookie sheet fell right on my arm! Ugh, another "Bella moment" as Amy calls them. Hope it goes away fast its an extremely obvious spot for a band-aid.

The sweet

Today was sweet because I got to spend time with Angela and Austin, Lori and Amy. I was actually able to open up to Angela a bit about how I feel with Patty. I even was able to talk to her about night terrors, she has them as well which is crazy because all my years dealing with it I have never met anybody who has. And I was able to completely understand her feelings on her relationship with Marq. I like that we have that one thing in common. I feel like Angela is at least one friend I have that understands me. Maybe not completely but more than most. However, it could have gone better if I wasn't shivering, burning with a fever and breaking out in sweat. Was that because I was uncomfortable like I always am in front of people? Or am I getting sick again? Who knows with me..

It was really good to be with Angela tonight though. She made me laugh and so did Austin. They really cheered me up. Austin in his little Jedi Cape with the crazy beard cracked me up. And Angela and I always seem to get sillier when we are around each other. Angela liked my cookies too that made me feel good. I don't think I'm very good at baking cookies but it is the only thing I dare to try really. Its the one thing I actually enjoy doing in the kitchen, ever since I was little. Maybe with practice I will get better? I'm also hoping that the more time I spend with Angela the more comfortable I'll get around her and maybe I'll be able to transfer that with others. Maybe I won't always be a freak around people.

Okay warning! Here comes the bitter, since its been building and hiding inside me for the past, God only knows how long, its going to be a long, F word filled, boring, angsty rant. You have been warned!

The Bitter

I keep replaying Val's words in my head. That there is no such thing as normal. That I'm unique and I should be glad about it. And truthfully I am, I don't want to be the same as everybody else. But my god, I want people to be able to relate to me. To understand me. I want to understand myself. I want to be able to get close to people. I want that so badly. No, I need that..I crave that. I crave this "normalness" that will make me be able to open up to people. To take down this stupid wall that's always been built around me. I want to be understood, loved and wanted..and needed. I'm tired of feeling alone and alien. I'm tired of feeling like the only thing I can fucking relate to and can relate to me is books, movies and my own imagination. I'm tired of feeling like a freak. I want to be able to be in a room with people without having a panic attack. I want to be able to hug people without feeling overly awkward or hyperventilating. I want to be able to sleep. And sleep without night terrors. I want to be able to go a fucking month without getting sick! I want to be able to wake up and look in the mirror and not loath myself for some reason or another. I want to be able to talk on the phone with somebody other than Patty without stuttering or hyperventilating or blushing a heat across my cheeks that burns the phone. To be able to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. To stop all my nervous fucking habits like biting my lip and running my hands through my hair. And not knowing what to do with my hands. Stuttering and stammering on sentences. Looking like a damn idiot all the time.

I feel stupid when people around me fear things that seem like normal, logical things to fear. Like flying on a plane, or driving a car, storms or I don't know guns or some shit! All of those things seem logical to fear. Why don't I fear those things? Even when Amy was scared shitless next to me on the plane and I tried to relate to her and understand her feelings. The most I could do was mock her by throwing my arms in the air and pretend it was a roller coaster, and hope it made her laugh and distract her enough. I went as far as to stare out the window and wonder what would happen if we crashed. I thought of everything that would happen in that situation. The little bags that would fall to help us breathe. The cushions being used as a flotation device. Knowing that we would literally fall to our deaths didn't even scare me. Honestly, it seems like a fun exhilarating way to die. Then on our flight back I thought maybe its the window that calms me? Maybe if I weren't by it I would feel panic like my sister. But I don't think so. I just don't fear things like that. Even when I'm driving extremely reckless and deep down I know if I were to get in an accident something very horrible could happen. I don't fear it. Storms as well, those just calm me. Even when a tornado literally went over our heads once, the most I could fucking think at the time was "Wow this will make a great story!" And guns.. /scoff What a joke! Guns are the least fearful thing to me. So what is it, what the hell is wrong with me? I don't fear death obviously. But that is for sure not fucking normal. And here when I use the word normal I'm not speaking as if I want to fear these things like everybody else. But I can't help but question it. I can't help but wonder, why don't I fear things that should be fearful? Something is obviously fucked in my head. More so than I thought.

I can't help but wonder what my mother fears. Her mental state is just as bad as mine if not worse. I snorted out loud when I typed that and rolled my eyes. Who am I kidding? Her mental state is far fucking worse than mine. But for all I know I could be following in her footsteps. Does she fear death? Do storms, airplanes and guns cause her to freak out? I know for a fact car accidents couldn't because she has been in too many. But what does it mean when you think about death staring you in the face and you don't even flinch at the thought? Or when the thought of falling to your death even excites you a bit? You're fucking twisted is the best I can come up with.

And yet the idea of walking the halls of a building with a bunch of people makes me want to throw up the contents of my stomach. Or the thought of being in a hospital makes me feel dizzy. Oh God, I thought I wouldn't last when we had to go to the hospital to see Papa. I remember seeing Amy near tears so many times. Nana cried as well. And the relatives that surrounded me in that small hospital room were all sad with their facial expressions set with stress and depression. And even though seeing Papa sitting there weak and dying in the hospital bed made me beyond depressed.. I didn't get near tears once. My mind just kept going over how disgusted I was with being in a hospital. And all the horrible memories I have had in such horrible abnormally clean white rooms. I was sure in that moment that if I was ever put in the position where I knew I was going to die by cancer or some such illness, I would rather die in my house than a sick place like a hospital. I can't even cry over normal things. On that whole trip the only time I cried was when I was talking with Amy one night. And what brought it on was ridiculous! Amy and I were both stressed out, angry and upset with Mom. She called John crying and then called Kim and Stacy to talk to them about it. She was able to get out all her frustrations by social interactions with people that loved her. One being her husband. I envied that. I was so beyond jealous. I wanted that more than anything. Not just to have a husband and somebody to confide in like that. But to be physically and emotionally able to confide in somebody. Look at me? This is the best I can do. Confide in a fucking blog. Fuck you very much.

I can't help but feel the bitterness rising up in my throat threatening to choke me every time I'm not distracted. Even driving home from Angela's I could feel it. However, after now typing that huge rant while drinking chocolate milk and eating my Bittersweet Butterscotch Crinkle cookies I think I have..quite literally swallowed my bitterness today, in cookie form. Cookies do make life better. And hopefully make my ass bigger? Please, God? Come on!!!

Edward encounters

Today I woke up and went to the door and looked in the mirror on my door. My eyes were bloodshot green. Then as I woke up more I scared the crap out of myself. Or rather my cardboard life sized Edward Cullen stand up did. I hadn't noticed before that you could see him in the mirror starring at you. I forgot for a minute that was there. He scared my mom again later, even though she gets scared by him everytime she comes in my room. Then he scared my sister Amy, that was hilarious. She said she thought Alan was in my room for a minute lol. Next was John, he walked in talking to Amy telling her Caleb was ready to get out of his highchair. But when he walked to tell her he started talking to Edward then paused and slowly moved his eyes over to Amy. Then Adam, haha, he opened the door then slowly started shutting it, then when it was almost completely shut he opened it again realizing it was fake. Then he slowly walked into the room to me. Daniel however wouldn't go into my room at all with Edward there, until Amy picked him up. And Caleb he just wanted to hit Edward lol. Fun times! I think its Edward's eyes that make him so scary when you aren't expecting them. Though I think they are dreamyyyy lol.

I felt sick all day but Dad emailed me again and cheered me up! And Val talked to me in WoW for an hour. That made me feel so much better. I have 100 pets in WoW now! I'll have to post the last 4 I got. But tomorrow, I'm too lazy right now. Think I'm going to go to bed. I have to get up tomorrow and bake cookies before going to Angela's!